Sorry, in the excitement of being able to eat I didn't do the full deconsrtuction that I probably should have done. Needless to say, there is no better feeling in the world than eating lovely food and drinking lovely wine after six days of soup.
The result was a loss of about 5 pounds, which I'm happy with. It's the difference between your clothes feeling a bit loose and a bit tight, and might not be really obvious to other people, but makes you feel more comfortable.
One unforeseen side effect has been the effect it's had on my supermarket shopping. I spent a total of 30 minutes standing in front of the chiller cabinet in Waitrose on Saturday, because I couldn't for the life of me remember what meals I liked. I ruled out Italian because I had it the night before, and after that, I completely ran out of inspiration. I ended up having a ham sandwich.
And today? What did I have for lunch after a week on the soup diet?
Soup.
Did you hear me?
I'malmostdoneI'malmostdoneI'malmostdoneI'malmostdoneI'malmostdoneI'malmostdoneI'malmostdoneI'malmostdoneI'malmostdoneI'malmostdoneI'malmostdoneI'malmostdoneI'malmostdone
Tomorrow, I will be on solids.
Obviously a full weight deconstruction will follow tomorrow.
Well, the Lemonade detox officially sucks.
Sunday was hell, yes, I HATED drinking that stuff, and when I got up to go to work on Monday, I fainted. *So* not cool.
I think it's because I simply could not consume enough of that stuff to keep my blood sugar up. And there was no way I could stand more than one morning of the salt water flush. It was like being Tom Hanks in Castaway.
So, new plan.
From Monday, I just consume soup. I have a bowl for lunch and a bowl for dinner, and not only is it much tastier, it's much easier. Except for the fact that I only eat two types of soup, but I won't go into that.
So far, over the five/three days, I've lost about 5 pounds, which is totally awesome.
I have spent most of this weekend in bed, since it's much easier not eating when you're asleep. When I finally did get up at midday today (oh, ok, 12.30, if you must know) I had fun and games when my body started freaking out because I had really low blood sugar. Fainting on the toilet is *so* not a good look. Tres Elvis Presley.
However, I think it's because I'm not actually drinking the full recommended amount of the 'lemonade' concoction. I actually can't - it makes me feel a bit sick thinking about it. I think it's because of the maple syrup element which adds a sweet aftertaste that is difficult to get rid of. My housemates actually quite like the drink, so it's clearly because I'm just really not used to drinking overly sweet things.
To pacify my blood I'm topping up the mixture with the occasional apple. This does somewhat negate the detox element of the week, but it's not like it's vodka. Or heroin.
I feel pretty shit, to be honest, and this is certainly not the kind of thing I'd be able to do for any real length of time. However, I knew it was going to be hard and it's not like I'm unaware that it's unhealthy, faddy and stupid... but so is going out three nights in a row and getting hammered, ordering the really bad stuff from the Indian takeaway and not taking part in any exercise.
Oh, and I've lost two pounds.
Having had an epiphany regarding loseweightfeelgreat, I have been delivered a message by fate (non-believer, since you ask) in the form of one of those hideous Channel Four documentaries. It was all about two average girls becoming UK size 2 in 5 weeks. Whilst it included the oblgatory shot at the end of them agreeing that the whole experience was awful, and they would Never Diet Again, it inevitably acted for many people as a spur. There was a reason it was shown in January.
Seriously, if it had that effect on me, a practically well-adjusted grown-up, I dread to think what I'd feel if I was a self-conscious teenager. It's irresponsible broadcasting. If I was any more pro-active I'd write a strongly worded letter.
Whilst it in no way made me think that I would like to follow in the footsteps of those girls it did lead me to the conclusion that I'd rather go through 7 days of hell than 3 months of eating sensibly. Whilst I know this sounds ridiculous, when you bear in mind that I don't eat any vegetables, much fruit or any seafood, you can see that most well-balanced diets are not really an option for me.
And so.... the lemonade diet.
Lemonade seems a bit kind for this. It's basically a concoction of lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper that you drink during the day, as well as water.
And that's it.
No, it doesn't look sensible. Yes, it looks disgusting. And yes, I'm totally going to try it.
I've canceled pretty much all plans - there's no way I can sit in the pub and only drink water. And I'm fully expecting to be starving, grouchy and miserable. But it's just for 7 days, and I'm determined to do it. I think the main problem will be finding something else to do, rather than eating. Meals break up the day, so I've had to arrange to do something each lunch break, to avoid sitting down in front of a great big plate of pasta.
So far? It's 3pm and I've just slept for 12 hours. Perhaps I could spend the next 7 days asleep. Or not. I've now got to get up and go and buy my ingredients and make my first concoction.
Roll on bed time.
Can you have those in front of Hollyoaks? Perhaps not.
So, I get bored because I have a very short attention span, and I need something that keeps my interest. When I get bored, I look for a challenge, which is always work-related. The result is I end up changing jobs about every 18 months.
But.
What if I decided to fulfill a challenge in a different area of my life? What if I put as much energy into something else I wanted to change? So, with that in mind, my new challenge is:
Loseweightfeelgreat.
It's perfect. It's got quantifiable targets. There are a variety of different ways of doing it (well, there's eating less and exercising more). And it's got the same 'wow, I am totally TOTALLY awesome" feeling on completion (I guess - it's difficult to say without actually having completed said challenge).
Of course, this may fall apart the first time I am faced with a big plate of pasta...
I've just remembered what I used to regard as the greatest privilege my mother could ever bestow on me. What used to make me feel like I was the luckiest child in the world, and what I was only allowed to do if I was very very good.
I was allowed to wear my jeans in bed.
This is clearly a case of my mother thinking of something completely arbitrary, which she would fashion into a treat. It's beyond genius. So easy, requires very little effort on part of parent. This is *totally* the basis of a new childrearing book "Weird treats and other ways to get some obedience from the little fuckers".
It probably saved her money on pyjamas too.
I didn't do quite as well with my 2007 resolutions as I might have hoped. I believe this might have been something to do with manageability. It is my true belief that this year's targets need an element of realism. And so, I begin.
- Watch more box sets - everyone else loves them, and box sets can do my new red wine. Which brings me onto...
- Only drink alcohol if there is an event written in my diary - i.e. unless I write 'random night in the pub after work' IN ADVANCE there can be no drinking.
- Do some healthy shopping on Tesco Online. That way, the heavy stuff, which also happens to be the healthy stuff, will always be in my cupboard. Which will lead me to
- Eat a quarter of the number of takeaways.
- Try the swimming pool at Oasis - and see if it is bearable
- Eat more Hot Tamales - they're really nice, even if they're only available in one shop in the whole of the UK
- Big lunch OR big dinner - Not both. Ever. Well, hardly ever.
- Pay off both credit cards - And don't then start using them again
- Save all freelance money - that way, in 2014 I will have the deposit on a house.
- Have 10% more patience - Baby steps...
Late entry at 11: Update my website, so it doesn't look like I died mid-2007.
... but first, I'm going to buy some food.
